It has been a few month that I have been waking up with a mild headache and anxiety that I might be suffering from ,ultiple sickness or diseases even though my health vital signs are normal. Like literally normal. So just yesterday morning, I guess I got fed up over waking up sick and feeling like I'm in a severe rut. Probably almost at the border of depression...again. I'm pretty much just feel sick waking up everyday not only with a headache but a body too lazy to even move and make anything productive for the day. Which brings me again to just realize what exactly am I doing that I just have no more will to even make anything good for myself? I am still young and there are so much that I have yet to achieve but why am I feeling so down?
So Saturday 7th December 2019 was the day that pushed me to my ultimate self limit. I actually came to a point where I just hated myself so much. Not because of how I look or my body. I have never had any issues with those. But I just hated how I was waking up everyday feeling sick and just having no energy whatsoever to look forward to the day and do something productive for myself. I know my current job is not my dream job. I decided to just take that day and walk around the nearest mall just to clear my head. I realised a few things. I am my own obstacle. To start, I on my own accord decided not to do anything productive for myself because I was bored with my own life. Everyday is the same routine - I wake up, go to work, go home, go to sleep and repeat the next day. And because I come from a judgmental family, I find myself afraid to just go out and do things for myself. I was afraid they might question and mock me. I am one to stand firm and strong over my opinion and most of the time in order not to offend people I always try to be diplomatic so it's just weird how I lack so much confidence when it comes to telling my family that I want to be me and do me. That's my real problem - ME.
The good thing about taking a walk on your own (of course please do it in a place where they are people around that could help you when you need help) is that you get a clear mind and you often find yourself going through the purpose of your life and what you have achieved so far. Other than getting my Degree and getting a full-time job, I pretty much haven't achieve anything else. I am such an ambitious person that it's almost humiliating just to see myself where I am at the moment. I honestly don't want to be where I am today, having to work for my own family who have too high of an expectation for everyone and working in an industry where I just have no interest in. My interest since young has always been the same - journalism and writing. On top of that, I have always dream to not only get something from what I do but also to give something back to the community but not just something that everyone can give but something meaningful.
Back in school, I have always wanted to travel around the world and learn the many different cultures and histories. Then that dream expanded to me wanting to write a book about my travels when I was in college. During my college years too I wanted to start a campaign where employers could help youths to be more prepared of the real and dirty world out there and get them to have a conscience to help one another. Those dreams went to the back burner once I started working full time. Now five years down, not only is my increment just over eighty percent since my first official salary, I am still nowhere near the success that I had in my own mind.
Few months back I decided to start this blog, to make this that platform where I can share some stories and tips to women around the world especially in Malaysia to help them break that mentality of 'women is a minority' and allow them to have goals and dreams even with a small background like myself but after a couple of months, I went back to my old ways - just focus on my day job and get home feeling down and unproductive because I was just too tired to even try to do something for myself. Again, it all comes back to me being my own problem. Honestly, at the end of the walk and after rounds of realising how difficult I have been on myself, I felt worse than the rut I felt before I left the house. My head at this point wanted to explode with the throbbing pain and my entire body was just too tired to even move because at that point I think I have given up on myself. Thankfully, as much of a rut I felt as I was, I was not in the suicidal thoughts which means I was only in a rut, not yet in the compound of depression. Believe me, I have been in depression before and I know what that felt like.
Like the confident young woman I have always been and I am strongly representing, I decided to first treat myself to a good meal (since I was in the mall after all) and while waiting for the food to arrive, I wrote down everything that I wanted to do in my life and even the timeline that I will achieve it. I am determined this time to just get out of this rut that I am stuck in. Honestly, waking up with a headache everyday is just exhausting and going to work without any determination or purpose, is really just pathetic. I don't know how I am going to go through this as I only have a plan but I don't have much methods but I do know that the first step for me is to first turn myself to God and seek His vice and blessings. Next thing I need to do is to start exercising - exercising has always been the one thing that I never liked but it is also the most beneficial activity to do in order to maintain a healthy life and body. So, I got the first two things down, let's see what the future hold for me and what other methods are available out there for me to get myself back in track to a better future and a better me.
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