Checking On Myself In The Year 2020

A new year has come and this post has come in very, very late. Then again, there is a saying goes better late than never, right? At one point, some time before today, I actually thought this post was NEVER going to happen but I just had to push myself to write this post. Honestly speaking, I am in no mood to write anything and I think I'm about to fall back into pre-depresion, that phase where you just don't want to do anything and denying the truth that there is something going on inside of you that you don't really know but you know it's not right. Well, Alhamdullillah, I managed to get back up again (cue that title song form Trolls) but by no means this was an easy feat. 

2020 is literally a big deal, well that's what most people made it seem to be. I kind of thought that it would be a big deal for me too until it finally came and I'm still stuck in my rut that my on my side, lying on my growing big butt and watching unnecessary Youtube videos that don't really benefit me in any ways possible. The only good change for me is that I have picked up a new hobby - Listening to Podcast, but even that I'm starting to lose interest in it because I am unable to find a podcast that resonate with my current life situation - stuck in rut that I can't even explain. It's really annoying how I am feeling right now because I don't know how many times I have felt such way and since God knows when. Like I have ranted out in my previous post, I'm honestly sick and tired of living like I have got no life and I am worth nothing. I'm usually that Miss-I-Got-My-Life-All-Sorted, but come this year almost everything seem to change.

I know my soul is telling me that I want a change and I know partially how to start that change but there is so much that I have issues with. All of those issues are actually my own and I guess in a way I am here to write down all my demons, literally. As much as I want to point my finger at procrastination, when I look back at it, it is not only my bad habit of procrastination but it is also my bad habit of just being plain lazy to even start on changing. There I have said it, I am just PLAIN LAZY.

As much as I am inspired to be someone with a success like Lauren Conrad, I don't think I will be anywhere near where she is now if I just sit lazily in my bedroom with no aspiration to grow or get better and just sit and complain about how sucky my life is. There has been no attempt for me to get better. It has just been me, laying lazily on my bed and hoping something inside of me change. That little hope, I know deep inside of me, will never come. I guess it is safe to say that come this year, I am no where near the success I was planning to achieve years ago if not months. The only good thing that I can take from this realization is that, I have come to terms to the demons of my own undoing and that is me. I am not my own enemy but I am my own demon and I am my own failure. It's rough how I have come to such turn but it's the truth and I have nowhere else to go and nothing else to do but to get better and this time not for any other people but myself.

I wonder why for so long I haven't been able to just blog like myself - posting joyful lifestyle posts that are both inspiring and aspiring for me and for anyone reading my blog. Guess, I know now why. Growing up not only make you mature but it also can make you lose your own identity. Of course in my case, it takes me away from maintaining the health of my physical, mental and emotional being. I know for a fact that the only strength I had was my faith and my believe that my Creator is The Greatest, but in a time when I should have turned to Him the most (which I did) I didn't do it the right way. Hence, here stands yours truly - The Lost Soul. I have thought started to try and make better choices when it comes to mending my relationship with Him but I do believe it would take a lot of time but patience is virtue, right?